RIP My Son

Well, this was completely unexpected! The news completely took me by surprise. And just like before, we have to repeat this whole song and dance over again. It's going to be difficult going through this whole thing again while raising an infant going onto their toddler phase, and it puts more pressure on the family to come together as a whole to make this transition simpler. All of us are going through a difficult phase in our lives right now, but I guess the timing couldn't be any better. Mommy and I confirmed the test this morning and we are excited, but so beaten down by fatigue right now. Hopefully, her pregnancy symptoms won't be as harsh as the first time.

MAY 2018: We took the test in mid-May, which means you are about a few weeks old! This is so surreal that we're going through this all over again. I remember being in the hospital for two weeks with your sister and since then, I have not had a straight six hours of sleep. Looks like that's going to continue well into 2020. Everyone says we're crazy for going back to back, but I couldn't think of a better time to do it. All of the baby clothes we have for you is pretty new and we're more than prepared to do this whole infant routine again. I fear for Mommy's health the worst because it's still fresh in our minds what she had to go through.

With that, I'll continue to document the rest of the process and see where we go from here.

JUNE 2018: I have to admit it has been a tough few months on all of us. I have some personal stuff that I need to sort out on my own and Mommy has been going through the worst of the motions. Once again, pregnancy has not dealt her a fair hand and she continues to be bedridden. For what it's worth, I've made the commitment to being a full-time dad and shouldering the parenting load until Mommy's nausea subsides.

I missed your first appointment with Doctor Sparks mainly because it was so early and I was taking care of your sister. I'm still trying to adjust to this sleep schedule, but I don't want to feel like I'm neglecting you at all. I love you so much and you actually might have indirectly saved me and this family. I will explain this all to you when you're older.

With handling your sister, it's been taking an enormous amount of time out of my schedule... so I've been eating less and losing track of where the days have gone. My hope is that everything works out for the best and that the worst of the nausea is over. I don't think we'll be doing this again.

JULY 2018: Wow, it's already been a year since your sister Stella has been born! We've been planning the party since December of last year... so time is flying! I can honestly say that we're blessed. We can't wait for you to complete our family. I love all of you guys so much!

We found out that you are going to be a boy! Wow, my son... words can't even fathom how happy I am to hear this. Your sister and I shared a moment in the hospital courtyard when we opened the letter together. I'll admit that I teared up and your sister did something really awesome when she wiped a single tear from my eye.

We even got Mommy a blue cupcake to surprise her with the news. Just an update health wise, but mommy is on stronger medication (Zofran) right now, so the nausea is still there... but at least she's able to function throughout the day.

Your expected due date is January 23... so you'll be a winter baby just like Mommy and Daddy! It's just another reason to look forward to 2019!

AUGUST 2018:

8/6/18 might officially be the worst day of our lives. We found out that you are no longer with us anymore and that the ultrasound confirmed it. I cried in that doctor's office for I don't know how long. I wasn't ready to come to terms with the news that you passed so suddenly. Mommy realized it and accepted it then and there, which shows how she and I differ when dealing with heartbreaking emotional news.

The doctors say that there was no explanation for this and that it was pretty uncommon given that your vitals were completely healthy. I'm just at a loss that there is no explanation for any of this other than bad luck.

I find it extremely difficult not to blame myself in these times. Is that the natural process in dealing with loss? I'm not sure. Given everything that has happened this year, I have to factor that into the mix somehow. I was supposed to prepare for the worst, but everything is happening so fast right now that I can't even process quick enough.

This has been a difficult week for our family and everyone is taking the news as harsh as we are. The outpouring feedback and support have helped lifted us up tremendously, but now there is a big gaping hole in our family that I'm not sure how to fix. I'm supposed to be the rock and figure out a solution to move forward, but it doesn't look like there is a solution right now.

I had hopes that you would get to meet us on that day in January and that you would see all of our happy and tired faces. Now we have to say goodbye in a way I was not expecting. Your mommy said it best, "You were never touched by fear ... never cold, never hungry, never alone and importantly always knew love."

Your spirit will always remain with us and I will continue to carry it with me everywhere I go.